1. Become me.
I'm just going to throw this out there right at the beginning. It is not possible for you to fully attain this perfection unless you are me. So if you are reading this, Heidi Elise Crisp, you have arrived. All others, you can only dream. One fabulous thing about me is my honesty.
2. Slave late into the night.
Since my husband is such a night owl/procrastinator, he is up late. I therefore am up late too. It is absolutely unthinkable to go to bed before he does. As you stay up late waiting for your husband, fill your time with good household work and charitable endeavors. I will typically cook eight five-course meals for a random family in our apartment complex and deliver it to them, or clean the bathroom and kitchen countertops and appliances using vinegar and olive oil.
3. Rise early.
My husband is a sleeper, bless his heart. He usually sleeps just as long as he can, and it's all I can do to drag him out of bed at the last minute. I use those precious hours before he rises doing nine of twenty things. The main two things I do, though, are work out (lift the kitchen table to save money on weight sets) and make my husband biscuits, gravy, ham, bacon, fatted calves, one English muffin, three oranges sliced and a shot glass of milk. This meal is for his breakfast which I graciously give him and do not complain when he has to eat it in his car instead of at the table that I have finished lifting and have set with China and doilies.
4. Speak in your sleep.
This is a key principle in attaining Perfect Grad School Wifehood. I typically amuse my husband for about 15 to 20 minutes as we fall asleep: I am completely awake and cognizant, but my husband thinks that I am out like a lightbulb. For this performance, come up with 10 to 24 random mental images throughout the day, so you can say funny things about them and pretend to be dreaming rapidly as you sweetly doze off. When he finally stops laughing and falls asleep, fall asleep, content with the woman that you are.
Ah, life. I love it and all who I have become. Please ask for further advice in the comments. I'm always eager to help those less fortunate than myself!
A serious post slightly related to this topic will come from Heidi in the near future.